Breakfast – how to blame your child for sloppy eating

“Is this a medium? Or, is it a large?” I ponder as I am locked in a staring contest with a plum. I am hoping the fleshy fruit will somehow divine me an answer. It does not.
It has been 3 weeks since my loose, comfy jeans were no longer loose or comfy. 3 weeks since I made the decision that the scale manufacturers were not in vast conspiracy against me, and I truly did need to lose a little weight.
Long gone are the days I dreamt of attaining an Adonis like physique. I’ve never had the drive to spend the requisite time building my biceps and triceps or any other ‘ceps for that matter. Now, my goal is to simply not be a rotund father that gasp for air as he attempts to keep up with his child.
So, today’s breakfast would consist of a water bottle filled with water flavored with fruit punch by what I assume is merely Kool-Aid repackaged for adults in an attempt to charge double it’s adolescent sibling (it worked), a horse pill of a multivitamin for “energy”, and what I have determined is a large plum. All consumed while lethargically driving to work, the vitamin’s magical properties have not yet taken affect, while listening to NPR. Today’s topic of discussion is Bill Clinton’s speech at the Democratic National Convention. I am one of those wonderful Volvo driving, NPR listening, liberals that the bow tie clad Tucker Carlson speaks of with disdain.
As I pull in to the office I begin to wonder why they have not invented adult bibs, a question pondered frequently after DWF (driving while feeding). Luckily, in a small office, and given the presence of a young child in my home, no one will question the random fresh stains on my clothing. I am curious to see how long I can continue to blame my son for my failure to connect mouth to food. But, today I still can. So the great mystery of the lack of over sized infantile garments will be left to be solved another day.